The Divine Romance

I recently asked myself a question: "Why do I seem to be so attracted to love tragedies?" My favorite movies growing up were ones like "Titanic" and "Romeo and Juliet". Why is this I wonder? I began to pray. As I did, my mind wandered to certain scenes in both movies...and I realized a few things. The lovers in these movies were extremely committed to each other-even to the very point of death. The circumstances they faced did not change the commitment they had to each other. No matter how sticky or dangerous things became, they continuously looked out for each other and waited for each other. This passionate love was absolutely crazy-to the point of even being willing to die for each other, like how Jack stayed in the ice-freezing water so that Rose could have a chance. Or to the point of dying to join the other in death, to avoid any further separation from each other, just how Juliet took her life to join Romeo in death. What inside of me is so drawn to such relentless, layed-down lovers? There is nothing further they could have possibly done to avoid being separated from each other. Then a second question came to mind: "Is this really a tragedy? Could these stories not be viewed as a great success?" The greatest demonstration of love would be to lay down your very life, in complete and utter abandonment, with the only thought left in your mind being, "When shall I be joined to my lover once more?..."

My thoughts turn toward Jesus. In my minds eye, I see this furious love demonstration as God himself allows man to lay Him down on a cross. This man had power and authority to heal the sick, cast out demons, and raise the dead...truly he was the Son of God and could do what he pleased. And this amazing, crazy, ridiculous thing called love provokes Jesus to willingly stretch out his arms on  a cross. Nails are driven into his hands, bringing forth excruciating pain. Yet, he continuous to submit, to surrender. The one thought of being joined back to his bride through death has completely possessed Him to a point where nothing could stop Him. This love for his counterpart has caused Him to give up everything, to the point of death. Only in death can He free his bride from sin. Sin brought forth death, which is where Jesus must go in order to be joined to his bride again. In death he meets her and from death he frees her. 

Love can be painful-it requires sacrifice, commitment, and abandonment to self. Jesus' heart explodes and bursts forth blood and water, by which his lover is brought back to Him and re-united with Him. He went the whole way and continues to pursue His bride, to see if she is willing to do the same. He wonders, "Will my bride love me back? Will she become  a layed-down, furious lover for me? Would she give up her very life in a wreckless, abandoned love demonstration?" His eyes search the whole earth for his counterpart, for her to love Him back like that, to love Him enough to give up her very life. 

"What makes a martyr?" I ask myself. This complete, total surrender of love to Jesus, to the very point of choosing death over being separated from her lover. To be possessed by the thought of her most furious lover that death does not even make her flinch. To die in order to be with her Jesus, that is love, that is commitment, that is a crazy love. It's not a love tragedy. It's an amazing and beautiful love story. 

Rainbows on the Horizon

Exactly 22 days ago, I felt like I was in a very dark cloud that prevented me from seeing anything in front of me. My last post was about waiting on the promises God has given me, even though I had many doubts and couldn't see them anywhere within my view. God was beginning to feel very distant and I was going through a somewhat dry period in my relationship with Him. As I pressed into Him and kept seeking him, he told me something that gave me deep understanding and faith: "When you cannot hear my voice, praise me for all I have done. I am taking you deeper Darla. My ways are higher than your ways, and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts. All of this is leading up to something-you just have to trust me and lean on me.You feel like you are in a cloud because I am teaching you to follow me on a moment to moment basis. If you could see even a little bit in front of you, you no longer need to grab onto my hand and allow me to guide your footsteps. I am taking you one step at a time. Keep being faithful with the little things and I will give you more when you are ready. Delight yourself in me, delight in my words, and stand your ground. Get your eyes off of your own little world and get them back onto me."

When God feels distant and you feel as if you have hit a wall that is refusing to budge, keep on pressing into him! He will never leave you or forsake you. The beauty of going through a storm is that there is often a rainbow at the end....and feelings will come and go. They are FEELINGS. That doesn't mean that they are not valid-just don't allow them to lead you. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. Truth is what you can hold onto, despite how you feel. I recently have had some major breaththroughs because I chose to say, "Jesus, I trust you-I want YOUR best choice in my life!".....and it wasn't during moments of faith or hope when I said this. It was in the moments when I felt I was in the thickest part of the cloud, when I FELT full of doubt and dispair. My point is that although feelings are valid, keep allowing truth to be what leads your actions. What exactly was the truth I was holding onto? That God was going to give me a job and that it was going to be a nursing job. He had been telling me all year that He would resurrect my career. I have done a lot of searching, asking, and knocking on the door of God's heart in this and whether he wants me to do this at all. And his answer has consistently been "YES, YES, YES!....but you have to wait for it and trust me with it." Here are some details on what he told me and how his word has been fulfilled......

Besides asking God where he wanted me to go after I was done with YWAM, another question I often asked him was what he created me to operate in (in other words, what are my gifts/annointings?). My dream to be a nurse and to be excellent in it had been literally smashed down and completely broken during my last job. The result was feelings of very deep failure, inadequacy, and confusion about all the reasons I had pursued nursing in the first place.

Besides the dream I had about getting a job as a nurse after I got back home from YWAM, God spoke to me in several other ways, some that were very profound and others that were more quiet. There has been a central theme of letting my dream to be a nurse completely die so that God can resurrect it. I remember lying down on top of the roof in Mazatlan asking God to speak to me about my career. Afterwards, I randomly opened up my Bible to the story of Jesus raising Lazurus from the dead. As I sat there in contemplation, it suddently dawned on me that God may very well be telling me that my career would be resurrected BECAUSE I have allowed it to completely die. I have given God permission to totally redirect all my dreams and passions and give me something entirely different if He had something better in mind. And in these moments of complete, whole-hearted surrender, God told me he would ressurect this broken dream of mine. He has not only spoken through a dream and a Bible story, but He has used other people to encourage me and help me take back my convictions I have deep inside to heal people, both emotionally and physically. The last word I got from my Creator was actually a specific Bible verse.....

If you have been following my blog, you already know that God gave me several words to come to Redding, California and emerse myself into Bethel church. One of them was in the form of a Bible verse in Genesis Chapter 35:1: "Then God said to Jacob 'get ready and move to Bethel and settle there. Build an altar there to the God who appeared to you when you fled from your brother, Esau'". There was another verse in this chapter that I have not spoken to many people about until now because it was extremely mysterious to me. I knew it was for me because God totally highlighted it.....but as far as what it meant, I had no idea!

In verse eight of this same chapter it says, "Soon after this, Rebekah's old nurse, Deborah, died. She was buried beneath the oak tree in the valley below Bethel. Ever since, the tree has been called the 'Oak of Weeping'".  The word "nurse" is what caught my attention, but the meaning of it was completely hidden from me. All I knew was that God pointed this verse out to me and something deep inside told me to put it on the shelf for now, that it would make sense later. At first, I thought God wanted me to give up my career and completely do something else-but then all the other words He had given me would contradict this interpretation. So I decided to sit on it for a while. Here is how the meaning of it slowly unraveled.....

I was reminded of this verse right before I left Mexico to come back to the United States last June. I told God I fel like He was giving me a double message-that he would resurrect my career, but that he wanted the "nurse to die". Suddenly, I had a huge revelation-I had already allowed my career to die! I had been obedient in exploring God and not allowing myself to worry about what is in the far future. I had gotten to a point in my relationship with God where I was literally taking one day at a time. God revealed to me that the "old nurse" that I was in my past job would be dead and that this would become apparent as I stepped back into nursing. All the bad attitudes I had and  lies I had been believing about myself would be completely gone! What God was telling me no longer seemed like a double message. Instead, his direction had become very clear. At that point, I knew two things about my future-that I needed to move to Bethel as soon as I could and that after this, my career would be redeemed.

If you think this is amazingly specific, just wait....it actually gets crazier!!!!

About a month and a half ago, about six weeks after I moved to Redding, I was talking to a friend I had met here at church. In case you don't know, your name has very significant meaning. I had recently become very interested in the meaning of my middle name, Melissa. I had found out a few things, such as the fact that it means "servant of Jesus" in Gaelic Irish. It just so happens that this friend from Bethel I met was named Melissa, so I started to open up a conversation about the meaning of this name, since it was something we had in common. She said something that hit me like lightening-"yeah, did you know that Melissa means 'honey bee?'" I nodded my head, as this was very old information to me and was about to open my mouth again when she continued...."and 'honey bee' translated in Hebrew is Deborah? Just a little interesting fact!" Another layer of this verse God had given me  had just been unraveled.....I had been so curious about the
name Deborah because this was the name of Rebekah's nurse that died in Genesis chapter 35, but had no idea what the link was. That night, God decided to bring it into the light....

Yet, there was still more things God wanted to say to me through this verse, believe it or not! I was lying in bed one night, when I started to think more about this verse that God had given to me....and I heard Him say, "Darla, you are going to work in 'the valley below Bethel'.....I want you to be curious about this!!! Because there is more to this verse then you think! Get excited and do some research like RIGHT NOW!" My eyes shot wide open as I layed there in my bed late at night and immediately got up to investigate the specifics of this verse. I wanted some answers and to know if it was just me thinking these things or if it was actually really God speaking. Sometimes, it can be hard to tell if it is my own thoughts or orif the quiet voice of God is speaking to me. "Okay", I thought to myself. "The valley below Bethel....that would be Red Bluff right? I wonder if there are a lot of oak trees there and if that is somehow related to a cemetary....". What I found as I researched online is absolutely rediculous! It turns out that Red Bluff indeed has several oak trees there. There is even a cemetary called "Oak Tree Cemetary". How is that for being really specific??? I could hardly believe it. God had not only linked  my middle name Melissa to the name Deborah, but it really seemed as if He was literally pointing me to Red Bluff.

After I discovered this, my mind shot directly to the main acute care facility there, St. Elizabeth's. I decided to go directly to the human resources office as soon as possible to find out more information. So a few days later, I drove the 30 minute drive to Red Bluff and popped my head into human resources. I was totally ready to give the lady working in HR my resume.....but the response was some what disappointing. "We only do online applications". I have found that doing things online shows less then what I have to offer as a new graduate nurse. I rarely get anywhere with online applications at this point in my career because I have limited experience. I began to get real with God: "Jesus! I feel so confused. I thought you were pointing me to Red Bluff? There are oak trees ALL OVER THIS PLACE!!! Why would you say something like that and then close the door? Am I just making this up or are you really speaking to me? I feel so frustrated."

After this, things were very quiet...too quiet. I felt as if I had heard God incorrectly, that maybe this whole time, I was just making up the entire thing about my nursing career being resurrected. I began to doubt what I was hearing and made a back up plan "B" in my head. If finances got really low and I still had not found a job in nursing, I would apply somewhere like Costco or a coffee shop. It was at this point that I felt as if I was in a very thick cloud, that I could no longer see even one foot in front of me. I had a choice to make. I could continue to trust that God would complete what he had started, which required a continued attitude of faith and walking in it.....or I could have my safe little back-up plan that would prevent me from continually relying on God because it had simply become way too uncomfortable to me.

I have noticed that God really takes care of me, even my emotional needs when I feel as if I had reached a dead end. He has a way of bringing encouragement and light through the people He puts right in front of me.  I recently have made a very good friend here in Redding and there were a few days when I really felt like I was in the thickest parts of the cloud and I began to share my doubts and feelings with him. He encouraged me, telling me to keep on trusting God. He told me that God had given me the grace to get through nursing school and that he didn't think God would just drop it like that after all that work. I think that was enough for me to get through the period of time when it had become really uncomfortable to trust what God had said. Its pretty amazing what just a few words from a good friend can do.

At that point, I had applied to several nursing homes and was waiting on a call for an interview. There were three specific people at church who each told me separately that I should look into starting out in a nursing home. Another friend in choir prayed for me and told me he thought God had a job for me south of Redding and immediately mentioned St. Elizabeths. Of course, I let him know that I had been keeping track of the jobs available at that facility, but had seen no opening yet. I did tell him I had applied to three nursing homes in Red Bluff.

Just a few days later, I received a call for an interview at a nursing home in Red Bluff. On October 17th, I walked into the facility, still waiting on God to fulfill his word but hesitant to get that excited because I didn't want to be disappointed anymore. I walked out 30 minutes later, completely employed as a full-time charge nurse. God had spoken and been faithful, despite all my doubts and feelings. He really was being very specific with me, lighting up my path and keeping to his word.

This whole process of  listening, obeying, and trusting God and what I have learned from it is far more valuable than getting the job itself. Actually stepping out in faith, taking a risk, and believing in what I heard God say in such a repititiously detailed way has given me such a deeper revelation of the faithfulness and goodness of my Father. He has walked me straight through to the end, whether or not I felt Him right there beside me. I would not trade this lesson for anything! It is one thing to "know" that God is faithful and very good. But it is a totally different thing to actually allow Him to prove it by stepping out, putting yourself in a position of dependency on Him, and allowing Him to catch you as you make the leap of faith. I can testify that living on the edge with your Creator is the best way to know His heart for you because it allows Him to actually prove it! I want to encourage you to take risks and depend on God to be your providor. He will never fail you!

I start my job on October 31st and will continue to rely on God to help me as I get back into nursing. It feels like I am stepping off of one cliff onto another one, as being a charge nurse feels like a huge responsibility. God is my helper and my defender, so I know I can trust him with where he has led me. I am currently praying for God to give me a very clear picture of His heart and vision for what He wants me to do here in this nursing home. Its going to be incredible, life-changing, and beyond my wildest dreams. There is more to come.....

Waiting on His Promises

It has already been two months since my last blog and I have since moved to Redding, California to get involved with Bethel Church and see what God wants me to do here. Let me tell you the story of how I ended up here....
After I left Long Beach one year ago and moved back to Grass Valley (where I grew up), I started attending a local home church on Monday nights. It was here that I first heard about Bethel. One night, a woman who is strongly gifted in prophesy told me severeral significant things. One of them was that I should go check out Bethel church because I have a lot of friends up there. At the time, I had never even heard about Bethel Church, but it sparked my curiousity. I later found out that miracles, signs, and wonders happen there quite often. While I was going through YWAM, I got three confirmations from God that has led me to where I am today.....

I was talking to my Creator about my nursing career, what he wanted to do with that, and if I was actually supposed to be doing this at all. I really enjoy talking to God by writing down the conversation in my journal-that way, I can go back and remember things that were said and it tends to flow really well. It was during one of these dialogues that He spoke to me about going to Bethel. Instead of answering my question about my career, He told me this: "You have a compassion for people that I put inside of you in order to heal people. I want you to operate in a healing that is driven by love. You cannot operate in any gift I give to you if love is not the driving force behind your actions......I want you to go to Bethel. This is where you will discover the gifts I have for you".

The second time I got confirmation was after my friends prayed for me one morning regarding this very thing. During that entire day, I had music playing in my head nonstop-it was really clear and consistent! Even during class, I kept hearing it in the background. What exactly is the significance of this? The music I heard was entirely from a band called Jesus Culture. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this band, it actually originated from Bethel Church and is now igniting revival all around the world.
The very last word of confirmation I received was after God told me to keep trusting Him and having faith in his plans for me. I had recently been questioning going to Bethel because I couldn't see how it would work. After getting the previous two words of confirmation, I actually applied to the school of ministry that they offer here at Bethel. Since the outreach part of YWAM was very dynamic, it was not possible to set up an interview over Skype until after I got back home. Most of the spots in the school had already been filled, which left me doubting about even going at all. I remember sitting on top of the roof in Mexico City early in the morning to have my quiet time with the Lord when he began to speak to me about this doubt of mine:  "Darla, you need to trust me. You think that just because it looks like you may not get accepted into the school, that I don't want you there. You need to just go." "Okay God. I am sorry for my lack of trust-I will go, whether or not I get into the school. Just keep on bringing confirmation." After praying this, I opened up my Bible to Genesis and began to flip around. Something familiar then flashed before my eyes-the word "Bethel" appeared in Genesis chapter 35! As I read the very first verse, I knew God was speaking directly to me: "Then God said to Jacob, 'Get ready and move to Bethel and settle there. Build an altar there to the God who appeared to you when you fled from your brother, Esau".
It was at this moment that full conviction came to me about what I needed to do. God had said enough and had made Himself very clear. I have now been here for about two months. God has totally been providing all of my financial needs, even though I don't have a job yet! It is really incredible to see what an amazing provider He is when I step out and do what He calls me to, even when it feels like I am walking into the dark and I can't see the solution.....
Speaking of the solution, that is a huge lesson I think God is teaching me about right now. I am in a waiting period regarding a few different things in my life, one of them being for God to open up my nursing career again. I didn't end up getting into the school here at Bethel. The day before I found this out, I was actually hoping I didn't get in because I also felt God telling me that He would resurrect my nursing career. I have had to lay my desire to be a nurse down at the foot of the cross so that He can turn the ashes into beauty. Its been a long process, but it is so good! I believe that God wants me to step back into my career for a period of time, based on a few different times He has spoken to me. One was actually in a dream. In the dream, I was looking around frantically for a job and was beginning to feel really anxious. Then God told me to sit down and wait, that everything was taken care of and that all I needed to do was rest in his presence. After sitting for a while, the phone rang and I was offered a job right away. The waiting period of this dream is actually reality for me right now. I have been knocking on some doors and gettting a lot of favor...but so far, God has been closing ALL of them. I am learning to rest in his presence and wait on Him during this time. I don't see the job right now, but I know that it is there. God has something for me far beyond what I could possibly imagine. I won't lie-there have been moments of doubt, worry, burden and disappointment. But it is in those moments when I have a choice. I could choose to allow those moments to overwhelm me.....or I can choose to believe in what God has shown me. God is altogether good and loving, so there is no reason for me to worry about any of it. If its not what I think it will look like, it will only be better because that is the God I serve and know!

I remember a phrase I heard during class in YWAM that I have learned to take to heart and really live out: "If you go tell a mountain to move and it doesn't budge, go get a bucket, fill it up with dirt, and move one pile of dirt at a time before God does the rest".

So the solution is not in my problem (not being employed). Rather, the solution is in Jesus, resting in him, trusting that he will do what he has told me he will do, and simply living in complete, wholehearted surrender to his direction.

I just want to encourage any of you who may feel like God is taking a long time to show up and fulfill his promises. Keep your eyes so focused on him that all of your problems and waiting get completely consumed by the greatness of who He is. He has got you for today and wants you to focus on what is in front of you in the next five minutes, and then the next five minutes, and then the next five minutes, and then the next five minutes, and the next five minutes, ........

Testimonies From Outreach

After six months of major transformations in my life and seeing God use the fruit of that, I am finally back home in Grass Valley, California. I want to give a major THANK YOU to all of those who have supported me financially and/or have been praying for me. You are a major part of my story.....

It has been awhile since I posted anything because I was without a computer during outreach phase of YWAM (April to June). God has done some awesome things through me and the other ywamers. According to the statistics my leader had collected, we witnessed to around 2,000 people, prayed for about 700 people, and led around 300 people to Jesus Christ. Through it all, God has faithfully worked through me, whether I felt at all prepared or not... 

During my time in Mexico City, I lived in a church called The Church of Jerusalem. The members in this church came alongside our team in ministry and did an excellent job serving us in every way they possibly could. I was taken aback by how much they wanted to support missionaries and work alongside us. Some would even help us cook our meals after we came back from a day of ministry/evangelism.
 One weekend, we traveled with them to a rural area in the state of Michoacan to witness and serve an indigenous community there. Before we had left the church in Mexico City, one of the leaders gave each of the people in our team instructions about what the program would be like. I knew that I was supposed to be working with the teenage girls and that the theme was "victory in Christ, more than conquerers". From what it sounded like, they had a program ready for me and I would simply carry it out. 

When we got there, it wasn't exactly like that. We started serving the people some food and then we all split up into our assigned roles.....I found myself without a plan and four Spanish speaking only teenage girls. My friend Dandy volunteered to translate and turned to me to see if I was ready. I remember feeling nervous because I was supposed to speak for around 30 minutes and had no plan whatsoever. I silently prayed a quick prayer and then God led me into sharing the gospel with them. All four accepted Jesus in the very beginning and afterwards, the words flowed so naturally! God gave me scriptures off the top of my head that went perfectly along with what He told me to say. It was like a download from heaven that flowed into my mind and then out through my mouth. The result was fruit for the kingdom of God. '
The very next day, I did the same exact thing with the same four girls. I had no plan and no idea what I would tell them, but God came through for me and brought them conviction with the message I gave. Once again, God gave me several scriptures in his word that backed up what I had to say.I had read a passage in Philippians that morning that I was actually supposed to share with those four girls later on. It was absolutely amazing to see God use me like that, simply listening to His voice and then declaring out what He wanted me to share and talk about with them. This sort of thing happened several times during outreach when I was talking to various people, whether it was after performing some skits out in the public square, ministering to the homeless, or just talking to someone when our team was on the way to a destination. Through it all, I have realized more and more why God wants me to abide in Him on a continual basis. What I would read during my quiet time that morning would often be what I needed to tell someone later on that day. Also, the Holy Spirit would sometimes give me words of knowledge or encouragement for a specific person....the next story is an example!

 I was in Chiapas ministering to people with my team in the public square and needed to go find a bathroom. On the way back, I heard God tell me to go talk to this woman who was sitting down on these steps with her little boy. I don't really speak any Spanish, but I know some and used what I could to start talking to her. The first thing I asked her was, "where is your husband?"...but couldn't understand her response at all. Then God told me to start telling her what a treasure she is to Him, that He has an amazing plan for her, and that He loves her. Afterwards, she broke down into tears. I decided to go get a translator at that point.  I had obviously touched her and wanted to know what God was doing. It turns out that her husband had left her eight days before and that she was in the public square with her son to forget about the hurt she was harboring. It was really amazing to see how God used me, despite the language barrier, to tell her how valuable she was and that she was not forgotten. God gave me the exact words to say to her in more detail (since I had a translator at that point) and told me to give her Isaiah 54: 4-7: "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband-the Lord Almighty is his name-the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth". I remember looking into her eyes and seeing the pain she held inside. But after I spoke, she had hope. Something began to break off of her...I left her feeling so encouraged by the impact I had just made, all because of obedience to what the Holy Spirit was telling me.

Another time in Chiapas, out team was working with a local youth group, teaching them some of our skits and how to approach evangelism. I had made up this skit called "Mentiras" (lies) back in April before we went on outreach. This skit starts out with my friend Dan delighting in God, with his arms stretched out to the sky. Then, someone comes on stage with the sign "average", hands it to Dan, and gives him a back-pack. A second person then comes with the sign "ugly", another with "you are a burden", and another with "useless". As each one shoves the sign onto Dan, they give him another backpack to carry. Dan then stumbles to the ground under all the burden of the lies that were just placed on him in anguish. After this, Jesus comes on the scene, takes the signs, and replaces them with signs of truth: treasured, loved, handiwork of God, and unique. This skit came out of things that have happened to me during my discipleship training program and the lies that have fallen off of me because of the love of God. The lies were actually different from the ones I placed in the skit, but the message was clear: the world will put lies on you that Jesus wants to take away and replace with truths. There were so many instances when we would perform this skit to people out on the streets and people would clap, maybe linger for awhile out of curiosity, and then simply walk away. 

After performing this skit to the youth group, almost every single person broke down into tears. Our ministry quickly switched from teaching to healing hearts that had been weighed down for quite a while. God has a way of really showing up unexpectedly-one moment, I am expecting to be teaching about evangelism, and the next moment, I am praying for them and helping these young people find freedom in Christ. I love how God works that way. I can make my own plans, but He consistently shows me what to do as things slowly unfold...
I have more stories I want to share, but those are a few for now. I also want to tell you about what God is telling me to do next because it is SUPER exciting. Can't wait to see some of you in person. Blessings!!!!

The Greatest Miracle of All

It has already been over a month since my last blog...I have been learning so many amazing things about God this last month-the Holy Spirit, Worship, and Spiritual Warfare are a  few of the weekly topics that have given me more and more revelation of who God is and what I was originally designed for by my Creator.

I will be going on outreach to Mexico City the day after tomorrow. After spending four weeks there, our team will head out to Chiapas....I am not planning on bringing my laptop with me, which means this will be my last blog until I return to Mazatlan on June 12th.

God has faithfully provided finances for every single person in my school...some received amazing provision of thousands of dollars in just one day, while others got it bit by bit. God has been faithful in providing and also in stirring people within the school to give. I can testify that those who are faithful with little will be given even more. I know that some of the students had received an abundance of money because God trusted them to give to those in need-and they did! I organized a group of students to pray on Tuesday at 7: 30 a.m. During that time, God gave us a scripture to encourage those who still needed money: "Whatever you give is acceptable if you give it eagerly. And give it according to what you have, not what you don't have. Of course, I don't mean your giving should make life easy for others and hard for yourselves. I only mean that there should be some equality. Right now, you have plenty and can help those who are in need. Later, they will have plenty and can share with you when you need it. In this way, things will be equal" (2 Corinthians 8: 12-14). I have gone from having just the right amount of money for the entire school...to giving a lot away...to fundraising and getting support from friends...and then back to having an overabundance...and finally, giving a lot more away so that I now have enough, but not too much. It is encouraging to see how God keeps giving me the ability to bless others financially while still providing every little thing I need as well. God is soooo Good!!!! (yes, that was a capital G!!!!)

Before I came to YWAM Mazatlan, God was speaking very clearly to me about abiding in Him and being a light to the world. Back then, I didn't really know what God was saying...was there something I was doing wrong? From my own perspective, I didn't understand why God seemed to be speaking so loudly about abiding in Him and bearing good fruit-after all, I couldn't see any obvious things in my life that would be reflecting bad fruit....
Through all of my experiences here during these first three months, the meaning of this has been getting clearer and clearer. The passage in John 15 is all about abiding in God so that my actions will speak loudly to the rest of the world about the love of God. Abiding in God means allowing myself to be pruned, to be broken, to be completely surrendered to Him. Why in the world would someone want to do this? After all, in order to love others, we have to first love ourselves....right? Why should we be broken? Why should we have to give things up that are important to us? Why should I have to surrender EVERYTHING?
If someone asked me these questions today, I would smile and shake my head at them.....because we are actually not supposed to be loving ourselves first. We need to get a correct perspective of ourselves, not moving in inferiority or superiority. But if anything, I have learned that I need to stop thinking about myself so much...because it REALLY isn't about me at all. My life is not about me-it is all about my Creator. He has given me the choice, but in the end, every breathe I take, every move I make, every single thing I do is only because of God. That's it.

The thing is, God is all about love. The last speaker this week, Troy Sherman, had a very different perspective about several things I have been taught my entire life. He brought so many things to the light-I can barely even take it all in, let alone try to write it in one simple blog.
If I were going to say one important thing he taught me, it would actually be a question...."What if love really is the greatest miracle?" I think that people get very fascinated by signs and wonders, like Heidi Baker in Mozambique, who heals the blind and the deaf after praying for them. The thing about all of those signs and wonders is that this is the power of God working through people because of their faith. Yet, it is never them doing it-it is 100 percent God all of the time.
I have realized something even more powerful than this, something that will cause God to look down from heaven, calling all of the angels together to witness this thing that is even greater than a blind man gaining his sight instantly...

It happens when someone decides to forgive a Nazi after killing his family in the holocaust....
Or when despite all of the hurt and suffering a woman has, she decides to praise God in her difficult circumstances....
Or when instead of repaying your enemies for slandering you, you find the gold in them and tell them...

Love is something God lavishes on us and wants us to walk in every single day of our lives. When I pursue God and really strive to know who He is, I get a clearer and clearer picture of what His real character is. I abide in Him and automatically, I end up loving other people. Because if I can't love other people, I need to re-examine my relationship with God. (By the way, love is not a feeling....it requires action and often will go against what we as human beings want to do-take that as food for thought...).

When I decide to love others as I would love myself, that is when God is witnessing His own personal miracle.  Why is this? Because God gave us free will. He actually won't make human being do anything. So when we decide to love someone, especially when it really hurts, that is us blessing God in every way, shape, and form.

I am still on this journey of what it means to abide in God and to bear good fruit as a result. I am not perfect, but because of my love for God, I want to strive for perfection. Nothing else in life or afterwards will ever be able to compare with the love of God...."Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance....Three things will last forever-faith, hope, and love-and the greatest of these is love". 1 Corinthians 13: 7, 13.
I know that everything I have learned in this school has completely wrecked my incorrect perspective about God, life, and relationships. I can say with complete confidence that up to this point in my life, YWAM is the best thing I have ever done-EVER. I wouldn't trade it for anything because I have found one of God's great treasures-truth. Not only that, but I have seen truth in action.

So as I go out to outreach, I will continue to put what I know about God to practice, to actually live it out, to act in love with every opportunity. Now that I have a greater understanding of God's love, my motivation to share it with the rest of the world is ignited. Please pray that I can win many souls for God's kingdom, that my group will have basic needs provided, and that we will be able to tear down the lies about who God is. Only until people get a better understanding about God's love will they have a real hunger for Him....and that is when the whole world will begin to change.

Talk to you all in June!!!

God's practical economics

I am currently reading this book called "Daring to Live on the Edge" and it talks about how God deals with money. I am learning a lot of really life-changing things about money, both through reading about it and through living it.
I just want to take a moment to praise God for what he has already provided! I have been blessed by three different people already:
1) The first $200 came from my brother Ben before I left for YWAM
2) The second $150 came from a friend I met down here who doesn't actually go to YWAM. She is part of a team of people in charge of a local coffee shop
3) I was recently blessed with another $250 from a friend back home. She doesn't have much, but she still gave, which is such a blessing!!!

As you probably know, I need to raise around another $ 1,400 by April 1st (only three weeks). Where exactly did I get this number from? It's not just something I pulled out of my head. I felt a need to really sit down, think it out, and get a good budget for what exactly I will need. Some of you may be puzzled because the number should have been lower after your donations...and it is!!! Yet, the amount I need for meeting my other basic needs is a bit higher than I originally estimated.
The following is a breakdown of what I will need for each category:

1) First and foremost, I need another $600 to pay for the second part of my school. YWAM had me pay for the first half shortly after I arrived. This is called the lecture phase and I paid that portion quite a while ago.
2) Then I need to pay for basic toiletries for the next three months, which adds up to about $150-$200 for everything for the next four months
3) I could also use some more pens and notebooks for the classes I am taking (as well as learning Spanish), which is another $10-20
4) I have recently been blessed with some second-hand clothing from one of the staff members here, so God provided a lot of my clothing needs for the summer that way. That being said, I could really use some money for shorts/skirts to wear. It gets pretty miserable wearing long pants in the summer heat down in Mexico. Unfortunately, they don't have thrift stores down here, so if I was going to buy another 3-4 pairs of shorts/skirts, it would be around $60-80.
5) I also need to do laundry at a local laundromat because the base can't afford to have students do their laundry here. It costs about $50 a month/4 months=$200. (It adds up fast!)
6) Last on my priority list is transportation/entertainment. Although I can get by without this, it would be nice to have some money set aside for going to dinner with the YWAMers or random adventures. I will leave the amount open because it really depends on how much God provides in all....

So that is a basic outline. I wanted my supporters to know exactly what their money is going towards. I don't take what is given to me lightly-God calls me to be a good steward of the money he blesses me with. I know some will make some pretty big sacrifices in order to support my ministry. The last thing I want to do is abuse that blessing by using the gift carelessly. If you feel led to cover a particular need (such as toiletries), just let me know and I will set the money aside for that particular area. I want to honor those who choose to give and allow you to have some say-so of how it is used if you so desire.
I also want to say that no amount is too small-if you give five dollars, that would allow me to brush my teeth for an entire month or more! That's huge!
I also want to emphasize that this is not about getting money, but about partnering with you in what God is doing here in Mexico and what he will do in Mexico City and Chiapas during my outreach. God has a lot of really cool promises in the Bible for those who give. Here are just a few:
*If you give, you will increase (Proverbs 11:24)
*You will be blessed (Proverbs 22:9)
*You will be great (Isaiah 58:10)
*You will be prosperous (Proverbs 11:25)

*All your needs will be supplied (Phil. 4:19)
*Your Father will repay you (Matt 6:4)
* You will have treasures in heaven (Matt 19:21)

So if you feel led to give, you can do it nonchalantly through the donate button on this blog. If you don't feel comfortable doing this,you can also just let me know you would like to help out and I can provide other ways. (FYI-paypal takes out a certain percentage, so the donate button won't give me the entire amount). That's it for now! I will keep you all updated about how God proves Himself faithful in providing. Can't wait!!!

Experiencing a heart for the lost

The last week here in Mazatlan has been life changing for me. God has revealed how he can work through me in astonishing ways...I am gaining more and more confidence in my God and what he can do through my simple obedience. 

Some of you may know about Carnival. It is held down here in Mazatlan during the first week of March every year. Our base takes advantage of the huge flood of people that comes to Carnival by praying for them and sharing Jesus with them through actions and words. 

There were five different ministry groups that I could choose from. One was the intercession team. Their focus is to keep up 24/7 prayer, which required some very dedicated people to volunteer to pray and stay up during the very early morning hours. This team also had some people go into the actual gates of Carnival, doing anything from evangelism, to worship, to praying for people. What happened through this group was extremely radical and breath-taking! There was one night in particular where several physical healings took place after they prayed!!! Here are just a few of them: 

* one blind guy began to see light and the color blue!!!

* a mute man began speaking!!!

* one man who had pain in his knees started dancing!!!

* an entire band of men who had various joint or muscular ailments were healed and began to move more freely!!!

Those of you who know Tom and Jessy O'Brien were on this team (just to note...they are awesome!) 

Then there was a group of people who ran an outside cafe just outside the gates of Carnival. Their job was to serve people coffee and cookies and talk to people about Jesus. This group was extremely important because it not only opened up the opportunity to engage in deep conversations with people who are hungry for God, but it also was a refuge for people who had just gotten saved and wanted to know more. Many of the evangelists would direct those who accepted Jesus on the streets to this cafe so they could be further blessed with God's presence. 

Another teams was the media team-they are responsible for letting the world know what God did during Carnival because pictures and short films were made available on facebook. They are also the team to thank for the pictures I can now post on this blog....

Last but not least, there were two evangelism teams. One team stayed outside the gates, where it is less crazy. Then there is another team that goes into the gates....which is where it can get dangerous sometimes. I heard about some people getting so drunk that there were a few deaths. Also, the last night is the "husbands night", where they leave their wives at home and go find another woman to sleep with. I won't get into the details, but it gets ugly.....

So I was in the group that goes into the gates of Carnival. Our YWAM group had just gotten done with a week of classes on evangelism and I felt a deep conviction rise up from deep inside me to reach the lost, no matter what the cost is. I recently read this story of people approaching this cliff to fall into eternal darkness, but they were completely blind. They had no idea where they were headed. Only until they actually fell into the eternal pit did they realize what was happening....and it was too late at that point. And all the while, groups of people who could see and knew better than to head for the cliff, just sat in a circle, singing hymns and praising God, turning their eyes away from where all the blind people were headed. They were all there, able to stand in the way and prevent the people from traveling toward the cliff. And sometimes, one person would stand up and try to save another headed for destruction. But then another would say, "oh, its okay. God hasn't given us the signal yet. Lets just sit here and keep praising God for saving us".

The sad thing is, this is a very true story of how people are today. We are too afraid of what people will say to us or think of us if we dare to tell them the gospel. In reality, there is not much a person can do to me in Mexico or in my own country accept for reject me or make fun of me. I just think of the greatest risk-having to actually go to prison or die for the sake of bringing even one more soul to Christ....and it would be worth it.

When I really let what Jesus did on the cross sink into my very soul, it breaks me. Just think about it-if there was even just one person that would believe Jesus died for them on the cross and confess that Jesus is their Lord and savior, He would have still died. Just for that one. That's how much of a treasure each person is to God. So to think about how he must feel when each soul blindly falls into an eternal pit of darkness, where there is great weeping, hopelessness, and pain....because we were to afraid to go tell them the truth. How can they accept the gift if they don't flat out hear the actual message? I think sometimes Christians beat around the bush and don't actually say what Jesus did for them on the cross. They sort of just hope that a word here or there would bring the point across....why not just take the risk of being foolish and tell them the entire thing? It's much more direct that way. 

It is with this conviction that my group went into the gates to tell the lost about the hope they can have in Jesus. There were about five students, some staff members, and a few others who came just for Carnival from other regions. After having a time of worship from seven to nine pm each night, we walked together into the gates and then split up into groups of two. I was always paired with another guy who can speak Spanish fluently. What I saw God do was a major breakthrough for me. I didn't speak Spanish, but I was able to lead several people to God by simply telling the story of what Jesus did for them. I carried some flashcards around that had the gospel in Spanish on it. I also carried a cube around that had pictures about what Jesus did for them. 

I remember seeing quite a few "beer girls" who would wear silver costumes and dance in front of the beer stands. God really called me to talk to them. Being one of only a few women in our evangelism team, it would be easier to get God's love across to them through me because I didn't feel as awkward as some of the guys in our group. I was able to lead about 3-4 of them to God. 

Another time, God convicted me to walk up to a group of six guys all at once. God gave me conviction to walk straight up to them and get their immediate attention. He totally gave me the words to say and I could see I had their interest and attention. The authority I saw myself walking in even took me by surprise...after I shared what Jesus had done, all six of them were saved. As I looked into each one of their eyes and took them in, seeing them as God would, I also saw the conviction that God was placing on them through me. It was amazing....

Another time, there was a drunk guy I helped lead to the Lord. God told me to talk to him about alcoholism and to ask him if this was a particular struggle in his life. He said yes, and I responded with, "God can help you through that. He doesn't want you to fill yourself up with something that leaves you empty like that. He wants to bring deep healing to your life". After I was finished, he through away his beer and went home. 

Sometimes, I would get paired with a translator that pretty much took over. That was good because I prayed silently while he shared Jesus with people....but when I was able to talk, I loved the things God was able to speak through me, even though I don't speak Spanish! One particular night, God was totally on fire inside of me-my translator allowed me to do all the talking, which I absolutely loved! Together, we talked to 51 people and led 33 people to the Lord. 

To be able to worship God in such a way-by telling people who are lost about God's great love for them, is the ultimate way to love Jesus back. Our speaker pointed out how this form of worship is the only form we won't be able to continue after we die. It's only here in this life where we can win souls over for Jesus. 

I had a picture in my mind recently about the pain God has for those who don't ever come to know Him. I see Jesus hanging on the cross, breathing his last breaths of life. He is covered in blood and shame...but also, every demon in hell is pouring out every kind of darkness, anguish, and hopelessness on Him. I picture Him doing all this for me, for you, for them. Although he knows this horrible sacrifice he is making is not in vain for those who accept the gift, it does become a vain thing for those who never hear about it. All I can see is Jesus up on that cross, crying out, weeping, screaming in vain as all those who are blind silently fall over the cliff into eternal darkness, never to be united with Jesus. After all the physical suffering He undergoes, as well as the spiritual darkness He experiences on the cross, the worst torment of all is that He knows some will still not be saved. This is what so many Christians need to realize in order to tell people about Jesus with passion, shaking off all fear of man and simply walking in obedience. 

So that is it in a nutshell! I am now preparing to go on outreach. For those of you who don't know yet, I am going to be spending four weeks in Mexico City and four weeks in Chiapas, another state in Mexico that is close to Central America. This is where I could use your help....I need about another $1,400 dollars to cover the rest of my outreach phase and simple living expenses. Please pray about whether you should give money or not. Those who listen to God and obey by giving play just as much of a role as the actual worker. The truth is, I cannot move forward spreading the glory of God and helping the lost without your help. So please, don't hesitate to give if God has impressed this on your heart to do!!! You are a crucial piece of the puzzle.